EA Buy Your Eyes

After purchasing the software studio Criterion and mounting a hostile takeover bid of Ubisoft, EA have made another attempt at controlling the games industry - by purchasing a controlling share of your eyes.

"Here at EA, we're always looking at ways to strengthen our market position," said EA spokesperson Joanna Mercer yesterday. "From producing industry-dominating franchises like the Madden and FIFA games to buying up software houses like Criterion, and even mounting unwanted share purchasing raids on our rivals at Ubisoft, EA have always sought out new ways to dominate the games industry. Becoming majority stakeholders in your eyes is just another part of that."

The buyout took place several days ago, when EA made an aggressive bid on your eyes after they were floated on the New York Stock Exchange for $1.32 per share. EA now owns a 51% stake in your eyes, giving them majority control of your sense of vision.

"This buyout is great news for you," Ms Mercer told us. "Previously you'd have experienced games in normal visual mode, but with this takeover you'll now be able to see them in EA's patented Senz-O-Vision, which is a lot like your old eyesight but with us forcing you to wear compact lenses superimposing the EA logo over everything you see. Plus, your sight will be accompanied by officially licensed tracks from the likes of Ms Dynamite, Limp Bizkit and The Tindersticks.

"Really, this is great news for gamers everywhere," concluded Mercer. "Plus it opens up the way for us to mount hostile takeover bids on your sense of hearing in Q1 2006."

How some of your favourite games will look following the buyout.

Driv3r - What Were You Thinking?

Sales of Driv3r, a game roundly criticised in industry journals and web review sites for its ludicrous physics, attrocious artificial intelligence, poor mission structure and for generally being about as buggy as a colony of deathwatch beetles, today passed the three million mark. We spoke to gamers to try and figure out just what the hell possessed them to buy it.

"I saw a demo on the Official PS2 Magazine coverdisc," PS2 owner Jay Glover told us, "Although it was made up of sequences from the game's pre-rendered cutscenes, with no actual in-game footage whatsoever, that didn't bother me. If there's no footage of the game running, that must mean that it's so good the developers feel like they don't even need to show us it. The thought that they might be hiding buggy, lacklustre gameplay hasn't even crossed my mind."

"I bought the game after seeing it advertised on a big poster in my local branch of Electronics Boutique," said X-Box owner Kyle Brubaker. "I mean, surely games shops only give such prominent storefront exposure to the best games. You can always trust games stores to recommend high-quality titles."

"I'm going to buy Driv3r soon," said PS2 owner Asa Phelps. "I mean, sure, I've read all the reviews that have said how bad it is - and there are plenty of those, let me tell you! But I figure it must be some kind of conspiracy. Either that or every games journalist on the planet is wrong!"

"We agree with you - Driv3r sucks," said a Reflections spokesperson yesterday. "It's a good job console owners are so stupid, or we'd be screwed."

Rare Games Both Big And Clever

Following the mild success of their X-Box exclusive title Grabbed By The Ghoulies, UK developers Rare have announced several other titles combining simplistic, repetetive gameplay with eye-gougingly childish double-entendres.

The first of these will be Spank The Purple-Headed Monkey, a game which sees Rare returning to their platform roots. This massive 3D platformer stars Spank, the purple-headed monkey in question, as he bounds his way across fun-filled levels such as Big Pink Hills, Fishy Valley and The Brown Crack of Doom. We're promised plenty of enemies to take care of using Spank's powerful Spitting Milk attack, as well as a huge variety of minigames including a boxing match with a senior member of the clergy and a competition to see who can polish a fireman's headgear in the shortest time.

Following soon after will be Rammed Up The Chocolate Starfish, in which the player takes control of Gus the Goat as he jumps into his submarine for an hilarious undersea adventure, and Pump Your Pink, Veiny Shaft Into My Hairy Fun Tunnel, a game in which the player must use hydraulic drills to mine for rare puce coal in a tunnel lined with wise-cracking fur coats.

We asked a Rare spokesperson if their next release would be a big one. He told us: "Heh! You said 'Big One'! Snurk!"

Meanwhile, on an internet near you...